Something to believe in

Today is December 29th 2009, two days till the New year. But its not only a new year it is also a new decade. It makes me think, should it be a new me. This past year I would like to think has been a transition year. It's been a whole year of me and my ex being broken up, which makes me think and accept yes we are actually broken up.
Through out the year I have been constantly searching for something. Something to define that I have moved on from the person I was in that relationship, something to show that I'm better. Needless to say I wasn't doing it for myself, I was almost doing it as a show, a performance. Which got me thinking, how much of what we constantly do it for ourselves?I can almost say a lot of it isn't, a lot of what we do is to prove ourselves, and show others that we don't need them that we are better. I have constantly tried quiting smoking and failed miserably. A lot of that rests on the fact that I have never actually quit for me, I quit because my boyfriend wanted me to, I quit because I was scared my parents would find out, I quit because I couldn't afford it anymore, and lastly and worst of all, I quit because the guy I was talking to didn't like me smoking. So, whenever any of those reasons left I went back to smoking. So this year 2010 I am declaring my smoke free year, but for me. Because I want to quit not because someone else wants me to quit.
Secondly, I am going to eat healthy and continue the gym. I have been doing that anyways but I'm restating it just to ensure I continue.
Thirdly, I going to stop allowing boys to define who I am and my worth. After me and my ex broke up, I found myself in a whirlwind of boysboysboys. Once one left I quickly found a new one to replace them. Or I went through a whiplash of one particular one coming and going. Its been painful and exhausting; and frankly I'm feed up to the point that the mere idea of a relationship makes me want to run in the opposite direction. I'm not on "strike", I just simply do not feel like being on a rollercoster anymore.
So this is my own personal declaration for the new year. This is posted on the net - the modern version of written in stone- so lets hope I stick to it.

In the End

The end of the week is here, which ultimately means my week of freedom is reaching the end. My parents come home tomorrow at 2am- so technically on Sunday but thats besides the point. Last night a bunch of friends and I went to JJQ's (pool hall) it was a good time, just chilling out and recollecting with friends. On my way home with a close friend we came to alot of conclusions and more or less reached an epiphany. This is the conclusion we have come to:
1. At the end of the day only your close friends are going to be there. The people you meet with at school are -well exactly that school friends. They dont care about you past the library or the cafe, so why have we invested so much time and energy in them. Last night a buddy was supposed to call me so we can go downtown but never did. I didn't really care since I wanted to go out with close friends but thats besides the point, he didn't even bother to call or text even though he promised he would.
2. Further more, we realized the reason why we cant think like guys is for that exact reason because we are always thinking. We need to stop thinking and just start doing. Us girls sit there day in and day out thinking, analyzing, planning. Guys just do, they come and go with out stopping and thinking about what the reprecussions of their actions are. So the new idea is less talk more walk.
3. Taking back the game. In order for a girl to play the game like a guy can may result in her being called a "whore" or "slut". The problem with these words is the meaning they are given when associated with girls. If you call a guy a whore or a slut it does not mean something negative-or really anything for the matter. So we decided if we use these words on a regular basis they will simply lose their meanings- and even if they don't for every one else they will for me since I have my close friends calling me that all the time in a funny friendly way lmfao.
So in the end I'm very happy I have two weeks away from UTM to recollect.
There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

How to Achieve Happiness

So, as you are by now aware I'm in a love/hate relationship with a guy in my school. Recently things have been going better then usual with him so I'm pretty content. I don't want to get my hopes to high since he seems to shatter that every time I do, but I'm not going to complain.
While talking to a friend today, I stated something that even shocked me, I told her I'm willing to settle for what we have then to lose him altogether. I no this seems pathetic, and low of me, however I'm content with it. I've come to the conclusion that he will never give himself entirely to me, its physical but we are friends. I probably cannot rely on him in the way that I was able to with my ex boyfriend, but I also never felt such a pull towards my ex boyfriend like I do with him. So what does one do?
My best friend is entirely apposed to this situation and has resulted to trying to set me up with someone in order to get me away from him. She believes he treats me like dirt and I deserve a whole lot better. Maybe shes right, but if I'm happy with the situation as it is right now, is that not enough. Even if by societies standards the situation I'm in would be classified as used and uncared for, shouldn't I be able to remain in it if I'm happy. I achieve I reasonable level of happiness with sticking around for what he is willing to give me, is that not enough?

Light at the End of the Tunnel?

Have you ever had the feeling that everything around you is breaking apart and you actually have no solid ground to walk on. The feeling that at any moment the smallest most insignificant thing can throw you over the edge.
Well, for the past year I've had that feeling.
First off, December 21 2008 marked the end of my three year relationship with my ex-boyfriend Mike. After that everything & everyone, just seemed to come, go, and change in a matter of days and minutes. Nothing ever truly real to grasp to.
This last semester has proved that more then anything else. Sure, I met a lot of great people - that I hope to remain friends with for a long period of time- however, as the days come and go nothing seems to be changing- or better but yet everything is in constant flux.
As noted in the previous blog, I've been in a whirlwind of emotion do to a guy and I guess much of my confusion is caused by him. However, I cannot seem to think there has to be more.
Its exam time right now, so I'm stressed out on top of everything else, and the smallest things get me upset and unfocused- such as last night when my mom called me and told me I broke the family camera and my parents need it for their trip this upcoming Saturday.
This trip I speak of is to Mexico, five star hotel that I was supposed to join but unfortunately have an exam the following Monday, go figure.
Furthermore, I decided to cram all studying during the week and have a little party on the Saturday when they leave, so excited about that. N0thing can fix stress, like getting drunk with a good crowd of friends. But how can you party when your mom calls you on the Wednesday and tells you your Grandma in Poland had a stroke that day and its not looking good?
While ranting to my friend today she said something that inspired this blog, "the rise is always after the greatest fall" - if this is true I think I've hit rock bottom and more, can I have the rise now?

Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.

For the past month I've had this on and off fling going on with a guy in my school, needless to say it is very physically oriented. He messages, we meet, we piece, then he peaces. I can easily say, I am his bootycall, and it is pretty pathetic on my part. Everything is on his time and his needs. The only problem is I can't seem to let go. My friends are more or less at the breaking point with me and this guy, and I don't know what to do.
Well, I'm lying I do know what to do, I stop. I let him go, and I move on. Since,I should be able to realize my own worth. I'm not cocky in any sense, but I do beleive I am worth a lot more than that. However, this one guy seems to have such a hold on me that I can't seem to do that. I can go to sleep feed up, I can wake up completely -well from what I believe- to be over him. I can rant about it all day. Then the moment I see him its over, or even if a rude remark is made about him from some one other then me, I'm in his defence. Im truely starting to beleive im a masochist. The one person that has inflicted this much pain upon me I stand by and meet every need not recieving anything in return.
How is it possible that people can have such a hold on us, when we are merely tools in theirs?