The predicament of Honesty

The problem of coming clean, admitting your faults, your feelings, and your fears is the idea of change. Yes we are all scared of rejection, and the idea of admitting your faults or feelings or fears the person you admit them too wont accept it or reciprocate it, however, more then that I believe we are scared of what is to come after you do so.
For instance, many of my friends have come to the conclusion that my situation with Mr. Big has gone way to far and it is time for me to admit to him that I have developed feelings and we need to ether a) move forward or b) stop. However, i do not really like this idea. For the reason, yes I am petrified of rejection, but more so of what comes next. The idea of change. If/when he tells me he doesn't want anything more, I have to move forward. I have been stuck in this one spot for so long that i don't know what else to do. the idea that me and him will probably never talk again like we used to, further more, how awkward it will probably be at school scares me more then his words probably ever could. They would hurt yes of course, but the awkwardness, and change at school scares me even more so.
I know if I don't I'll always wonder what if, which is ten times worse, however, I don't know if i have the courage enough to do that.
the idea of change scares us because it is the unknown, it is unfamiliar, we don't know if we can handle it, or if we will crack under pressure and have to hide. That is why we take the other road, even if it is hurting us because we know that we can handle it. Maybe we finally admit feelings or fears when we realize we cannot handle the road we are on anymore. We've reached a dead end and the only way to freedom is to turn?

Addict

I was at the mall today with two friends looking for dresses for a banquet event we have coming up. I found a dress I truly adore and I don't think I'll be happy unless I am wearing it at the event. The only problem is it's 177$ =(. My other friend bought a dress which is well... a lot like ones she already has; however she does look quite fabulous in it and she likes it so why not. However, while looking around for something else for me -something cheaper- I couldn't seem to get my mind off of that BEAUTIFUL perfect blue silk with the rhinestones on the pockets dress. At which point my friends said something that got me thinking, D said "you wont find anything because you have the other dress in your mind" while K said "you have a very addictive personality". They were both 100% true, every dress I saw I compared to the other one, and nothing seemed to add up. I was addicted to that dress and how it made me feel. Which ultimately made me realize, is this my problem with men. Am I just addicted to the feeling I get when I'm with that one particular one, that I can't seem to try something new. What if that next thing is better?
Which lead me to my next idea, what if the reason why we become victims of habit and repetition is connected to the idea of comfort, stability, and conformity.We stay within a circle of events, people, places, and even objects, because branching out seems a lot scarier. Maybe the drug addict isn't addicted to the high, maybe they are just scared of change, maybe they are scared of what is truly out there in the world?
Which would conclude that, my not being able to give up Mr. Big is not because I truly enjoy the high, but because I'm scared to completely give him up. I've been chasing this man for so long, and allowing him to take up so much of my time and energy that not having him do that would certainly mix things up in my life. Maybe I'm just scared of the void that will be left behind once I drop the habit. Maybe, just like the drug addict I'm just scared to see what the world is actually like, when I'm not high.

Untitled

Happy New Year everyone!
I would like to start off this post by stating that its five days into the new year and I am still smoke free! woohoo! I'm proud!
New Years Eve was somewhat a dramatic night for me. My best friend Emilia has been trying to get me away from the guy at school I've been seeing, (I don't want to pull a sex and the city but for the sake of names lets call him "Mr.Big" just because I see so many similarities between the two). But ya so she wants to get me away from "Mr. Big" and attempted to set me up with another guy. I never really liked the guy but just did it for her, because that's the whole thing of a friendship you do things to make each other happy. This next dude asks me to new years as his "date". He never paid for my ticket or anything just, just titled "date" for the sake of it I guess. Unfortunately he took this "title" a lot more seriously then me!! I still believed myself to be 100% single and free to do what ever I want; he on the other hand got very jealous and overprotective. At midnight another guy friend across from me grabbed me for the midnight kiss while my "date" was standing beside me. He got very angry and left.
This got me thinking about titles, how do you know if you have one or if you don't? Do you need to ask the other person? or does it eventually just form into a title?
Me and "Mr Big" have an up and down and all around sort of relationship but I don't believe us to be titled- it makes it easier that way. My friends calls us a relationship just because they can't see me with anyone else, and never want to see him with anyone else. But at the end of the day we don't have a title that we have established. It works out better for us because we have more freedom and no one in the end can get deliberately hurt because we never pretended to have one. So whats the big hype on titling everything? Does it give us a false sense of security because we believe once we are within the strains of a title the other person can't leave? or is it that we have a clear cut definition of our world? Regardless of the reasoning's I think we need to let go of the titles and just live the life we want. Uncut, unorganized. We're young lets live life and be stupid and unorganized now. Later on doing so may not be so easy.