it's my life

I woke up this morning like any other. I got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, ate breakfast, and made a coffee. Having done Saturday cleaning yesterday, i went on my computer and started downloading music. I came upon the song "it's my life" by Gwen Stefani. The first time i listened to the song it really meant nothing to me, it was the second time when it all hit me. The people that we commit the most time and energy into are usually the ones that put nothing in back. If they were putting something back in then we wouldn't have to be doing as much. It wouldn't take as much out of us because it wouldn't be as difficult. And further more we would be gaining in return so it wouldn't be as difficult.
That's when I stopped and thought about the past six month of my life and what i have willingly given to Mr. Big, in hopes and dreams that he would wake up and give something back. I gave time. OOO the amount of time i gave to this man. Time waiting for him to arrive at the library. Time spent with him at the library, loafting around because he wasn't working that particular day. The time i gave driving him home, because he didn't have a car yet. When in reality i should have been working on a presentation of studying for an essay. The times i should have been in class but i wasn't for him.
In reality one could say, well that's your own fault, you got yourself into the mess. But when i think back on it all now, with a clear mind, no longer blinded by "love" or what ever it is you want to call. He knew full out what he was doing. He was fully aware of the effect he had on me, and he used it to his advantage to achieve what it is he wanted. and that not fair, as Gwen Stefanie says in her song "its my life, don't you forget". you don't play and mess with peoples lives like that its not fair.
So, ladies this is my message, we cannot allow ourselves at the end of the day to say, well you know what he didn't owe me anything. Yes he did, maybe not as a boyfriend or a friend or whatever. But at least as a decent human being, to see the energy that person is putting towards you and you know its all in waste. Let them go, set them free so they can be concentrating on something that at least has a purpose. Don't be selfish and let them continue. Because you know what, you owe them at least that much.

It never Happened

You know that night that your actually so happy you don't fully remember? That night that caused everything to change,and at the current moment you can't help but think it's for the worse not for the better. You know going back to school will never be the same again. You can fake that smile, say hello, but deep inside you know those two people that you were prior to that night are no longer there. All you can do is try and accept the people you have become, if it be as friends still or not. Regardless you can't go back in time and change it. Not say those words, not feel those feelings. We are all human and we do make mistakes. Some times we make mistakes because we're clinging on so hard to something that is fighting its hardest to get away. So why can't we let it go? Why do we fight so hard to be with some one, who is fighting equally has hard not to be with you? Is it because just like that night we don't remember, or see that they are fighting to get away. We focus our attention to things that may be steering us in the direction that they do want us? Or are we to fixated on the beginning part of the relationship? When everything that was new and sparkly and We aren't allowing ourselves to realize and recognize that its not new and sparkly anymore. Its old and ruined, but we cant seem to let it go because at one moment, just like a favorite sweater it fit perfectly and made us feel amazing.Is that what were all fighting for when we cant let go, that feeling we had in the beginning of when things were amazing and new. and were scared we wont get that feeling anywhere else so we fight and hold on hoping to relight that spark. And that's why we're happy when we cant remember that night that it all ended? because if we remember then we know its over, we have to accept it. If we at least have the satisfaction of not remember we can pretend its not real? It never happened.
--So I put my lipstick on and I put a smile on my face. & if anybody asks me, Everything is okay

The predicament of Honesty

The problem of coming clean, admitting your faults, your feelings, and your fears is the idea of change. Yes we are all scared of rejection, and the idea of admitting your faults or feelings or fears the person you admit them too wont accept it or reciprocate it, however, more then that I believe we are scared of what is to come after you do so.
For instance, many of my friends have come to the conclusion that my situation with Mr. Big has gone way to far and it is time for me to admit to him that I have developed feelings and we need to ether a) move forward or b) stop. However, i do not really like this idea. For the reason, yes I am petrified of rejection, but more so of what comes next. The idea of change. If/when he tells me he doesn't want anything more, I have to move forward. I have been stuck in this one spot for so long that i don't know what else to do. the idea that me and him will probably never talk again like we used to, further more, how awkward it will probably be at school scares me more then his words probably ever could. They would hurt yes of course, but the awkwardness, and change at school scares me even more so.
I know if I don't I'll always wonder what if, which is ten times worse, however, I don't know if i have the courage enough to do that.
the idea of change scares us because it is the unknown, it is unfamiliar, we don't know if we can handle it, or if we will crack under pressure and have to hide. That is why we take the other road, even if it is hurting us because we know that we can handle it. Maybe we finally admit feelings or fears when we realize we cannot handle the road we are on anymore. We've reached a dead end and the only way to freedom is to turn?

Addict

I was at the mall today with two friends looking for dresses for a banquet event we have coming up. I found a dress I truly adore and I don't think I'll be happy unless I am wearing it at the event. The only problem is it's 177$ =(. My other friend bought a dress which is well... a lot like ones she already has; however she does look quite fabulous in it and she likes it so why not. However, while looking around for something else for me -something cheaper- I couldn't seem to get my mind off of that BEAUTIFUL perfect blue silk with the rhinestones on the pockets dress. At which point my friends said something that got me thinking, D said "you wont find anything because you have the other dress in your mind" while K said "you have a very addictive personality". They were both 100% true, every dress I saw I compared to the other one, and nothing seemed to add up. I was addicted to that dress and how it made me feel. Which ultimately made me realize, is this my problem with men. Am I just addicted to the feeling I get when I'm with that one particular one, that I can't seem to try something new. What if that next thing is better?
Which lead me to my next idea, what if the reason why we become victims of habit and repetition is connected to the idea of comfort, stability, and conformity.We stay within a circle of events, people, places, and even objects, because branching out seems a lot scarier. Maybe the drug addict isn't addicted to the high, maybe they are just scared of change, maybe they are scared of what is truly out there in the world?
Which would conclude that, my not being able to give up Mr. Big is not because I truly enjoy the high, but because I'm scared to completely give him up. I've been chasing this man for so long, and allowing him to take up so much of my time and energy that not having him do that would certainly mix things up in my life. Maybe I'm just scared of the void that will be left behind once I drop the habit. Maybe, just like the drug addict I'm just scared to see what the world is actually like, when I'm not high.

Untitled

Happy New Year everyone!
I would like to start off this post by stating that its five days into the new year and I am still smoke free! woohoo! I'm proud!
New Years Eve was somewhat a dramatic night for me. My best friend Emilia has been trying to get me away from the guy at school I've been seeing, (I don't want to pull a sex and the city but for the sake of names lets call him "Mr.Big" just because I see so many similarities between the two). But ya so she wants to get me away from "Mr. Big" and attempted to set me up with another guy. I never really liked the guy but just did it for her, because that's the whole thing of a friendship you do things to make each other happy. This next dude asks me to new years as his "date". He never paid for my ticket or anything just, just titled "date" for the sake of it I guess. Unfortunately he took this "title" a lot more seriously then me!! I still believed myself to be 100% single and free to do what ever I want; he on the other hand got very jealous and overprotective. At midnight another guy friend across from me grabbed me for the midnight kiss while my "date" was standing beside me. He got very angry and left.
This got me thinking about titles, how do you know if you have one or if you don't? Do you need to ask the other person? or does it eventually just form into a title?
Me and "Mr Big" have an up and down and all around sort of relationship but I don't believe us to be titled- it makes it easier that way. My friends calls us a relationship just because they can't see me with anyone else, and never want to see him with anyone else. But at the end of the day we don't have a title that we have established. It works out better for us because we have more freedom and no one in the end can get deliberately hurt because we never pretended to have one. So whats the big hype on titling everything? Does it give us a false sense of security because we believe once we are within the strains of a title the other person can't leave? or is it that we have a clear cut definition of our world? Regardless of the reasoning's I think we need to let go of the titles and just live the life we want. Uncut, unorganized. We're young lets live life and be stupid and unorganized now. Later on doing so may not be so easy.

Something to believe in

Today is December 29th 2009, two days till the New year. But its not only a new year it is also a new decade. It makes me think, should it be a new me. This past year I would like to think has been a transition year. It's been a whole year of me and my ex being broken up, which makes me think and accept yes we are actually broken up.
Through out the year I have been constantly searching for something. Something to define that I have moved on from the person I was in that relationship, something to show that I'm better. Needless to say I wasn't doing it for myself, I was almost doing it as a show, a performance. Which got me thinking, how much of what we constantly do it for ourselves?I can almost say a lot of it isn't, a lot of what we do is to prove ourselves, and show others that we don't need them that we are better. I have constantly tried quiting smoking and failed miserably. A lot of that rests on the fact that I have never actually quit for me, I quit because my boyfriend wanted me to, I quit because I was scared my parents would find out, I quit because I couldn't afford it anymore, and lastly and worst of all, I quit because the guy I was talking to didn't like me smoking. So, whenever any of those reasons left I went back to smoking. So this year 2010 I am declaring my smoke free year, but for me. Because I want to quit not because someone else wants me to quit.
Secondly, I am going to eat healthy and continue the gym. I have been doing that anyways but I'm restating it just to ensure I continue.
Thirdly, I going to stop allowing boys to define who I am and my worth. After me and my ex broke up, I found myself in a whirlwind of boysboysboys. Once one left I quickly found a new one to replace them. Or I went through a whiplash of one particular one coming and going. Its been painful and exhausting; and frankly I'm feed up to the point that the mere idea of a relationship makes me want to run in the opposite direction. I'm not on "strike", I just simply do not feel like being on a rollercoster anymore.
So this is my own personal declaration for the new year. This is posted on the net - the modern version of written in stone- so lets hope I stick to it.

In the End

The end of the week is here, which ultimately means my week of freedom is reaching the end. My parents come home tomorrow at 2am- so technically on Sunday but thats besides the point. Last night a bunch of friends and I went to JJQ's (pool hall) it was a good time, just chilling out and recollecting with friends. On my way home with a close friend we came to alot of conclusions and more or less reached an epiphany. This is the conclusion we have come to:
1. At the end of the day only your close friends are going to be there. The people you meet with at school are -well exactly that school friends. They dont care about you past the library or the cafe, so why have we invested so much time and energy in them. Last night a buddy was supposed to call me so we can go downtown but never did. I didn't really care since I wanted to go out with close friends but thats besides the point, he didn't even bother to call or text even though he promised he would.
2. Further more, we realized the reason why we cant think like guys is for that exact reason because we are always thinking. We need to stop thinking and just start doing. Us girls sit there day in and day out thinking, analyzing, planning. Guys just do, they come and go with out stopping and thinking about what the reprecussions of their actions are. So the new idea is less talk more walk.
3. Taking back the game. In order for a girl to play the game like a guy can may result in her being called a "whore" or "slut". The problem with these words is the meaning they are given when associated with girls. If you call a guy a whore or a slut it does not mean something negative-or really anything for the matter. So we decided if we use these words on a regular basis they will simply lose their meanings- and even if they don't for every one else they will for me since I have my close friends calling me that all the time in a funny friendly way lmfao.
So in the end I'm very happy I have two weeks away from UTM to recollect.
There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.